A Better Day
July 2, 2009 at 12:27 pm | In Uncategorized | 1 CommentThanks to you all for your comments and e-mails regarding my last two posts. You are certainly helping me feel better and I greatly appreciate that! Blogging about my feelings yesterday really turned my day around. It was very freeing to get those thoughts out of my head; I was able to focus on work and have a great dinner out with Junior. I even put on makeup and did my hair. And wore real clothes!
Our date night was cut short, though. We planned to go to a movie, but I started feeling sick during dinner. By the time we bought my favorite gummy bears to smuggle into the movie perused the home decor section of Target, I had the worst body aches. So, while I’m feeling much better emotionally, I’m siiiick. I have the flu or some virus. It stinks being sick anytime, but I think it stinks even more during the summer. What do you think? It has something to do with not being able to fully enjoy the sunshine, I think.
Sleeplessness
July 1, 2009 at 9:40 am | In Miscarriage | 1 CommentWell, here I am again, not 24 hours later, writing about It.
I couldn’t sleep this morning. Normally, I have a hard time getting out of bed, but this morning, I wanted to get up and get far away from lying there with my thoughts. I laid wide awake with my thoughts of the last few weeks, then those thoughts and details of events surrounding the miscarriage appeared in my fitful dreams.
***
It was just two weeks ago that I had a dream about the baby. My baby. I had never really dreamt much about being pregnant or what my children would look like before I actually was pregnant, and if I did, it was all very vague. But this dream was so different. We were at the doctor’s office getting our first ultrasound. We saw the baby’s profile and the features. The facial features were so clear. So clear. It was as if we were holding the baby in our arms. Almost. We also knew in the dream that the baby was a boy, even though it was too early for the ultrasound to prove that. The memory of the day would go in the baby’s book.
***
The day after I had that dream, we had our first ultrasound in real life. We were so excited. I couldn’t believe I’d had that dream. I started to think of the baby in terms of being a boy. I couldn’t wait to see whatever we could see. I couldn’t wait to share the experience with my husband. It was going to be an amazing day.
***
I can’t sleep lately without seeing the ultrasound screen and the empty sac. Why did I have that dream about the baby? Why was it so clear? People just don’t have dreams like that when things aren’t real, at least not in my experience. But there was nothing there. No baby, and certainly no baby boy with the beautiful eyes, nose, and mouth I saw in my dream.
I can’t imagine I’ll readily forget the details of that ultrasound. I remember the room, the ultrasound machine, the rainy day, the doctor’s face. My husband standing to my left, both of us feeling completely numb and unbelieving. The bloodwork; the nurse’s face when she read the chart after seeing me just minutes before and chatting excitedly with me. The ride home; the cold rain and the wicked lightning across the sky. Silence, and then my awful, sobbing, uncontrollable crying.
***
Over time, I’m sure the details will become less sharp and raw, but everything hurts so bad right now. It’s too hard to think about anything else right now.
Fairy Godmother and Combat Boots
June 30, 2009 at 3:07 pm | In Miscarriage | 2 CommentsSo. I had a miscarriage. Some of you know this, some of you don’t. I wasn’t sure if I was going to blog about this, and I’m still not sure if I’ll do so more than this one time, but I feel it deserves a mention.
I had a D&C yesterday, and while I don’t feel awful physically, I feel crummy enough to feel sorry for myself. Plus, it’s a rainy day and I have *not* seen the sunshine that others report today. Plus, I have a cold with terrible sneezes that make my dog come running to see what’s the matter. And Big Things in Life that need to be taken care of and Forms To Be Completed and such. None of these things are huge, but put them together with our recent physical and emotional challenges and I’m overwhelmed. And sad. It’s Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day–The grown-up version.
Just when I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep until next year, I trudged out to the mailbox. I’m so glad I did, because in it I found a wonderful card from a dear friend. I find that these types of condolence cards are difficult to find and send; you never know how they’ll be received. But this one is perfect. It talks about finding a fairy godmother with a magical wand and combat boots so she can kick the crap out of bad things. You know what? I like it. I’m still sad, and probably will be for a long time, but having the image of a fairy godmother with ass-kicking combat boots in my corner makes me feel just a little bit better.
Wow, so what I just wrote made me realize that I always have just that: God. Except I never imagine God as a fairy godmother with combat boots, but maybe I’ll start now.
Tomorrow’s a big day…
May 13, 2009 at 8:47 pm | In South Florida living | Leave a CommentWe are scheduled to close on our house tomorrow. And I do say “scheduled” because I’m still worried something is going to fall through at the very last minute. I’m praying for the best, though.
We’re living in a sea of boxes, and of course Peanut is nervous, but I’m very excited. I’m also feeling very fortunate. We’ve been blessed with great friends who are ready to help us move. We know some of them better than others, but they’re all so kind-hearted and enrich our lives. Let’s face it; no one likes the labor of moving (do they?), and the fact that these friends are so willing to help us makes me smile.
While I’m looking forward to living in our new house–and the fact that it will be our very own (well, except for the bank owning it for 30 years and all that)– I’m a teeny bit sad to leave our apartment. This apartment symbolizes some big steps we’ve taken in the last year, and the memories are sweet. I know I’ll always have those memories, but I also know my memories of how this place looks and feels will fade. I take comfort in the fact that new memories will be in the forefront of my mind and I look forward to this adventure we’re embarking on.
Who knew buying a lil’ ‘ole townhouse could make me feel so sentimental?
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I’m determined to make some article of clothing work. Tops are obviously not my forte, so I want to try a simple a-line skirt next. Ha. Simple. Famous last words. Keep your fingers crossed for me.