Sharpredpencil’s Weblog

Well, here I am again, not 24 hours later, writing about It.

I couldn’t sleep this morning. Normally, I have a hard time getting out of bed, but this morning, I wanted to get up and get far away from lying there with my thoughts. I laid wide awake with my thoughts of the last few weeks, then those thoughts and details of events surrounding the miscarriage appeared  in my fitful dreams.

***

It was just two weeks ago that I had a dream about the baby. My baby. I had never really dreamt much about being pregnant or what my children would look like before I actually was pregnant, and if I did, it was all very vague. But this dream was so different. We were at the doctor’s office getting our first ultrasound. We saw the baby’s profile and the features. The facial features were so clear. So clear. It was as if we were holding the baby in our arms. Almost. We also knew in the dream that the baby was a boy, even though it was too early for the ultrasound to prove that. The memory of the day would go in the baby’s book.

***

The day after I had that dream, we had our first ultrasound in real life. We were so excited. I couldn’t believe I’d had that dream. I started to think of the baby in terms of being a boy. I couldn’t wait to see whatever we could see. I couldn’t wait to share the experience with my husband. It was going to be an amazing day.

***

I can’t sleep lately without seeing the ultrasound screen and the empty sac. Why did I have that dream about the baby? Why was it so clear? People just don’t have dreams like that when things aren’t real, at least not in my experience. But there was nothing there. No baby, and certainly no baby boy with the beautiful eyes, nose, and mouth I saw in my dream.

I can’t imagine I’ll readily forget the details of that ultrasound. I remember the room, the ultrasound machine, the rainy day, the doctor’s face. My husband standing to my left, both of us feeling completely numb and unbelieving. The bloodwork; the nurse’s face when she read the chart after seeing me just minutes before and chatting excitedly with me. The ride home; the cold rain and the wicked lightning across the sky. Silence, and then my awful, sobbing, uncontrollable crying.

***

Over time, I’m sure the details will become less sharp and raw, but everything hurts so bad right now. It’s too hard to think about anything else right now.